Journal entries.

Soul Shattered Phoenix

Loving you, beautifully.

A diary to document the unknown. The inescapable. Surviving abuse and finding a way forward.

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					Despair				

				
02.06.2025 : Pause …
						
Cataclysm. The moments where the world stops turning and you find yourself yet again, perhaps, if your life has been as disastrous as mine, picking up another new lens to view it. You have to view it. Watch it. Take it in. Absorb it. Feel the burning agony of devastation running the tracks of your…

				
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					You				

				
29.05.2025 Guilt ridden.
						
I feel sick. I reacted and now the potential consequences of my reaction are sinking in. Whatever justification I had at the time – all but lost in this overriding wave of guilt I have. Because you were nice today. Tomorrow is hanging over me.  It feels as though the grim reaper is hiding right…

				
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					You				

				
28.05.2025 Escape.
						
Sometimes, even in a refuge, you are still not safe from abuse are you my darling? You still have your ways to me….to ruin each day and destroy me. Is it even irony? I don’t know anymore…..who is writing the script for this shitshow of my life? Surely we are past the realms of feasibile…

				
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					Musings				

				
28.05.2025 Random thought of the day
						
Navigating town in a wheelchair is like playing a video game but the jump button isn’t working and the joystick is stuck askew, so you are constantly overcompensating for it.  It’s just exhausting, and people have the audacity to say “that looks fun!” when I’m going downhill……seriously? Do they think these things through, it’s up there…

				
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					You				

				
27.05.2025 Texts
						
So you text today. I didn’t lose my shit. I kept it together, just. I was nearly tempted to go down the rabbit hole and follow the circles of doom you were creating.  I stopped myself.  I spotted it and held back. Bit my lip so to speak. ….. I saw your comment about her.…

				
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					Relationships				

				
27.05.2025  Exodus
						
Exodus may be an exaggeration. It just feels so epic and gut wrenching that it deserves a grandiose title today. I didn’t even finish explaining about all that went on this past month, and I already feel I’ve lived a month more in just a day. Felicia is gone. Gone gone. I don’t know what…

				
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					Relationships				

				
26.05.2025 Entangled webs.
						
Relationships are gruelling. I wouldn’t know how I’d keep on existing without them, but Fuck they’re hard work aren’t they? So many ups and downs and twists and turns in here. Fracas amidst celebrations. Blissful companionship intertwined with fraught tensions between inner circles and cliques.  A world I’ve never really understood or much cared for,…

				
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					Uncategorized				

				
26.05.2025 continued….
						
I can’t really describe what it has been like here.  It has been a roller-coaster, a whirlwind,  a sanctuary, a prison and big brother house to label a few descriptors if I were to portray the last few weeks of my time at the refuge. The emotions have come rolling in thick and fast.  Warm…

				
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					Hope				

				
26.05.2025
						
* Starting again * I Where do I even begin? Refuge life is a whole new world to me. I crash landed with a bang as always, I don’t think life has ever been any different. I was unphased and immune to critical gaze from a very young age. It doesn’t not hurt, it just…

				
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					Hope				

				
08.05.2025
						
Day Two. Tomorrow is inevitable. What will my fate be? Was today a better day between us? Can I cling on to that sliver of hope there may be mercy in your heart for me after all? I’m not sure. My head tells me one thing, my heart cries another. Where are reason and clarity…

				
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					Despair				

				
07.05.2025
						
Day one. I am exhausted. Exhausted from begging you to have mercy on me when I have no one else to turn to.  You are the only one capable of offering me salvation. You say you are sorry but you still refuse to offer me anything but breadcrumbs of staged affection.  Keeping me sweet.  Keeping…

				
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